Finding Authenticity through Loss

The Stacked Intent Blog aims to guide you towards embracing your authenticity. In this post, I reflect on personal growth through life transitions. My husband and I met in 2020, started dating in June 2021, got engaged in September 2021, and married in March 2022. While our path to marriage was swift, our strong foundation in genuine friendship played a key role. As a mature couple, we have chosen to expand our family when the time is right. A sudden relocation in June 2022 for my husband's job led us through various highs and lows. Today, through this blog post, I (along with his perspective) share how experiencing a miscarriage can prompt deep introspection into our authentic selves. Our journey unfolds from the anticipation of growing our family to the heartbreaking loss of Baby M. I share this to offer comfort to anyone feeling isolated, showing that introspection can lead to embracing one's true self.

This blog post was challenging to write, contemplate, and process. However, I believe there is someone in my audience who might benefit from the encouragement I have gained through the experience of miscarriage and loss of my grandmothers in the same year. While this topic is personal and has been briefly touched upon in previous discussions, today I aim to provide information and reduce the stigma associated with it. Moreover, I hope that this can offer comfort to someone, especially on a day that was supposed to be a first birthday celebration for baby M. Which as you read this Baby M was only in our life for a few short days to our knowledge but has influenced the last year and half of our life.

2022 brought significant transitions and losses. In this blog, I will briefly touch on some of the losses that impacted me greatly throughout the year. The Tuesday of my wedding week marked the passing of my maternal grandmother. Though I knew she wouldn't be present at my wedding, as she had shared her thoughts when I got engaged, not having her there to share the joy and meet my husband was difficult. Her absence was felt even more deeply when I faced a miscarriage without her support, as she had always been my biggest supporter during challenging times. Subsequently, in September 2022, my paternal grandmother passed away, marking the loss of my last living grandparent. None of my grandparents had the chance to meet my husband. I am certain both grandmothers would have provided comforting words during these challenging times of loss.

Why is miscarriage so hard? This is one of those taboo topics, we often do not talk about or lots of individuals are in silence with their grief. This could be due to our culture not having the language to talk about miscarriages and stillbirths, even though miscarriages are a common event that occur about 10 – 20 percent per pregnancies (Mayo Clinic, 2023). It is one of those topics that is often not talked about or is only talked about once you’ve had a miscarriage. It is like welcome to the miscarriage club! Which isn’t a fun way to enter something at all for sure. But it is one that happens. I’ve learned to just open and share where individuals will listen as I need to share. Though the lesson here is to make sure you find safe places to share and protect your safe places. Not everyone you thought would be safe is going to be safe as you process through a loss. Christmas 2022, my husband & I found out with a few hours left on Christmas day that we were pregnant. Only because I felt terrible—like really sick I had taken a pregnancy test earlier in the day but it was negative, later out of curiosity I checked it and turns out I had not waited long enough. Sure, enough I was pregnant. I ran into the room to show my husband and then proceeded to take three more test to see what they said. All of them very positive. This was overwhelming and exciting to me for sure. We got to be really excited with the fact that we had a baby on the way. I was overwhelmed because I was in the beginning stages of building a business, beginning to teach jiu jitsu and yoga classes, trying to get back into daily exercise, and it just seemed like it happened. Managing my Crohn's disease without medication became a reality, due to needing to come off all medications during a pregnancy. I did successfully so and my doctor told me if I could continue to manage without medication then go ahead to do so. Thanks to lifestyle changes in eating, exercise, and sleep I’ve managed to completely stay off all medications. Sadly, after the initial joy, we experienced a miscarriage. Despite trying to stay strong during a girls’ trip where another friend was two months pregnant, the brief period of knowing about our baby had a profound impact. The loss of this unborn child deeply affected us as we imagined a future as a family of three (or six, counting our puppies) that would not come to be or simply the “not yet” answer. This baby's absence altered our lives and brought a new perspective to the year. I have to say it’s been a very hard journey for me of looking forward to having a baby during certain events, not getting to celebrate our baby with a shower from friends and family and approaching the first birthday with no baby in our arms. These moments are a struggle to get through sometimes, but I am beyond thankful that my Crohn’s is in a healthy place and that I will not be shocking my body coming off medication from more than a decade the next time I do get pregnant. I am thankful I’ve seen so many babies around me come into families who are truly excited about them and some of those let me come hang out with their kiddos on a regular. 

The pain was tangible and raw, but it also brought my husband and me closer together, revealing the depth of our resilience and love for one another. Teaching us that we really are excited for a family, as he’s saying, “when our time comes.” We found ways to connect over the loss. “Ohana” that means family nobody gets left behind or forgotten, this became the word to not forgetting about Baby M. My husband got me a pandora charm of Lilo & Stitch that has a little heart with the word Ohana. Though we will not have this baby on this side of heaven, they had an impact on how we would be as a couple. Because this really created the spaces to dig deep into conversations with each other and be honest about where we were in our process.

In miscarriage one aspect that has always been true from my observation is that there is a community of those who have losses that don’t get talked about until you have a similar experience. I remember hearing about miscarriage some, but not as often as I heard some stories after we miscarried, because there are individuals who shared their experiences as encouragement, which was helpful. Though this was a time that I truly missed my Granny more than ever because I could not pick up the phone and give her a call to just hear the advice, she’d have for me in this particular challenge. This was my first big challenge since her passing away right before my wedding that I truly wanted to just hear her on the other side of the phone with what she might have had to say to give me the encouragement. But that wasn’t available and in that I struggled to find my footing on how to process this miscarriage of a baby I so truly wanted but didn’t feel ready for at the time. By the time I was really excited, it was confirmed the baby was gone.

Through this journey, we learned the importance of self-care and allowing ourselves to grieve. This is not the same for each person, it looks very different and it is important to give your partner the spaces they need to grieve. I also found that it is important to acknowledge the spaces of which the other person is in and it was essential to acknowledge our feelings instead of pushing them aside. I discovered pushing the feelings aside and minimize how a miscarriage is affecting you will just come out on those you love — and not always in the best ways. We must give our emotions the spaces and acknowledge where they are because shutting off any part of our emotions will throw us out of balance. They key takeaway I would like you to have is that when you go through a loss, find your best way to communicate to those around you based on your needs. Personally, I haven’t always been good at this and with the loss of Baby M I thought their life was short and wouldn’t have a huge impact on me—we literary only knew for a few days. I found relief in my yoga practice, time with jiu jitsu, building my business, loving my nieces and nephews that I get to be a part of their lives, and talking about it with my husband. I had one friend who got pregnant a couple months after our loss, but she was amazing in telling me about it, plus they are amazing parents. They give me the spaces to love on their little one, which helps my heart. My husband and I spent months keeping two of our nieces some and getting to have fun with them just gave my heart so much joy. I loved getting to teach one of them how to jump in mud puddles, fish, garden, bake, read children’s books, and enjoy quality time together.

Through my rediscover after this loss, I truly had to dive back into what has helped Becca, be her throughout all the decades of my life! I found it helpful to dive back into self-care books as I was searching I read Unexpecting: Real Talk on Pregnancy Loss by Rachel Lewis, She’s Still There by Chrystal Evans Hurst, Own Your Everyday by Jordan Lee Dooley, How are you Really by Jenna Kutcher, Don’t Look Back by Christine Caine, Greenlights by Matthew McCaughery, Pray Big Things by Julia Sadler, Powerful Self-Confidence, Relentless Joy by Rachel Joy Baribeau, and Conscious Loving by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks are some of the books that I read in the following month after the pregnancy loss. These books filled me in a variety of ways because I was able to look at my circumstance from an outside view and really take into an account how they were affecting me. I heard speakers at conferences shine lights on my struggles and really helped me, Becca, rediscover her authentic love for herself again. Though it has been a struggle and a road to get there, I am getting there. Rachel Baribeau was one of those speakers and she poured out her heart, occasionally it was like she was only speaking to me because she said things that I desperately needed to hear and as I read through her book and listened to her podcast episode on Stacked Keys Podcast, I heard words from a stranger that were exactly what I needed to hear. I was at another conference were the speaker said I was her crier throughout her conversation, which I am sure I was, because again I must be hardheaded—but I heard what I need to hear from her as well to keep going and looking for the growth for each loss and transition that has come along this past year. Find places to keep reinvesting in yourself to get to a better you.

The experience also reinforced the significance of open conversations about miscarriage. By sharing our story, we hope to break the silence that often surrounds this topic and offer comfort to others who might be suffering in silence. It’s crucial for people to know that it’s okay to grieve, to seek support, and to talk about their experiences without fear of judgment or dismissal. We choose to share with a selection of individuals about our pregnancy as we found out because I knew from experience that it is important for others to know and be able to walk beside you as you are walking in your happiness and your struggle. Know there are no perfect answers to when and how you share about pregnancy, but it is a decision you make as a couple as you find out about the exciting news of a baby entering your family. Find your tribe that will be able to support you through the mountain tops and valleys of life!

Miscarriage brought a loss into life that is difficult on many levels from emotional strain to uncertainties to a lack of acknowledgement for the loss. I remember going into the OBGY-N office and they said you have miscarried, but I have full confidence we will see you back in just a couple of months. There was very little to the loss of a life and that was said. They gave me another pregnancy test and the nurse told me it was negative like it was no big deal, this was a sad moment. From this point it was hard to find the spaces sometimes that seemed safe and alright to say anything about our loss. I found myself reacting to those close to me, though strangers say things that came to be just as hurtful. I remember having different individuals saying, “when are you going to make your parents grandparents, you guys don’t have any kids, just be lucky you don’t have kids, kids are just so difficult in life, you definitely are eating for two now, just be glad you aren’t seven-months pregnant…” There are so many ways that make miscarriage hard from those who know you well to strangers. I’ve found you cannot control what others say, but you can help them understand how it might have been hurtful to you. The biggest lesson to take away is you must be honest with yourself first to be able to process anything else. Where do you stand in your loss? The same concept of loss can be applied to most losses that we experience in life.

As we move forward, we carry the memory of our baby with us, holding onto the hope that our family will grow in ways we cannot yet foresee. The journey of healing is ongoing, and while the pain may never completely fade, we have learned to find joy and meaning in the present, cherishing the love that sustains us through the darkest times.

There was a study conducted in 2015 that found nearly 20% of individual who experienced miscarriage develop depression or anxiety with symptoms that could last from one to three years. There can be guilt, irritability, or numbness that comes along with the experiences. It is not something we are educated on of how to handle. 15 to 20 % of pregnancies miscarry before the 12-week mark, with little contributions on our part from this happening it is just a normal part of the genetic cycle. Though we begin to blame ourselves because we believe we could have done something differently. After a loss not only are you experiencing the loss, but your hormones just got sent on a roller coaster ride as well.

Ways I have found a baby loss to affect me:

• Celebrations: There have been plenty of pregnancy announcements and babies born in our life since we miscarried baby M. But I love to meet the new babies, I love to make sure those who are pregnant get celebrated through gifts, making a meal, hosting/decorating for a baby shower, and providing encouragement to the parents to be. Plus, let's celebrate today Tuesday September 3rd for baby M's birthday by grabbing a cupcake or cinnamon roll! 
• Find your safe spaces: Not all your friends in life will be a safe space during stages of miscarriage, though this can be a hurtful place, find the people that will feed your soul and encourage you. Try to not give spaces to those that aren’t safe while you process your loss and process your loss. Realize that putting off the process just means it will creep on in at any time on you.
• Open communication: Be sure you are communicating to those in your safe spaces. I did find that answering individuals who said something about you don’t have kids yet or aren’t you ready to make your parents grandparents do not always affect in the same way, just because they might have no idea you miscarried. Compared to those in your circle who know and should be aware, their comments are going to hit you differently. Be willing to sit in the uncomfortable to figure out what you need best.
• Feel the feelings: It is okay for you to feel loss or whatever comes up for you as you experience the loss of what could have been. This one is hitting really big here as Baby M’s first birthday approaches and there isn’t a baby, because I love to celebrate birthdays (really anything) and there isn’t a little one to throw a party for and decorate and watch take their first steps.
• Self-Affirmation: speaking the positive to self to help find the positive through the grief has helped me. There are ways to help and for me it was notes from my husband, parents, niece, friends, and self on post it’s around the house in my office and on the bathroom mirror. This help to create a 30-Day Self Affirmation Challenge you can find here.
• Quality Time: I have always been one that plans my schedule to a T with struggles for adjustment sometimes, however with all the transitions lately our schedule is definitely not as planned out, but still having times on my calendar for a lunch date with friends, time with my husband, weekends with my family, and travel. All became very important to help me find the times to spend together with those in my life, but most importantly find the quality time to spend with self to be able to hear the voices from yourself without others influencing your healing process.
• Workout: I found in my high school years that working out was important to my stress relief and daily function, but during this loss of baby M. I found a drive to meet myself on the jiu jitsu mat regularly, the back porch (this is where my gym is set-up), walks, outdoor time, the one helping me train (which she knew my struggle), and for my health. It was important to me to build a workout routine that I could sustain through a pregnancy to be able to remain mobile. This has helped me to find the spaces to work out every single or most days. I did find that 25 minutes of an achievable workout was an important aspect for my mental self to be able to handle and accomplish. Take away the importance for exercise in your everyday even if it is simple a short work out that is moderate every single day.
• Gardening: I have always loved flowers and to have them in my yard and I have grown blueberry bushes along the way. The summer of 2023 I threw myself into gardening and produced so many tomatoes and cucumbers, but really it was the simplest of making me get outside to tend to the garden that helped me.
• Self-Care Books: I have always been more of a self-care, business leadership, and development book reader. This was no exception for my growth here. Though I struggled to figure out my new time to dig into this aspect after getting married, I have continued to try new times and found that the morning seems to help get my day going after I’ve made breakfast and coffee to get my husband on his way to work. The struggle with the time was that I had always—since I was eight years old — had a night routine for a few hours, but marriage changed that to be the time my husband and I got to have the best conversations as we headed to bed, so I had to find a time that work to spend with Becca.  

As I wrap up this one, there are many principles I believe are applicable to more than miscarriage and life. Living a life that celebrates is important celebrate the little and big moments. I am one of those who loves to celebrate, but not always the typical. Like Valentine’s Day is one of those we don’t celebrate because we celebrate our dateiversary, engageiversary, and anniversary. We all need people in our lives because connection is important.  Find those people who are and can be your safe places and remember that finding these spaces takes vulnerability.